
This weekend Livvy and I had the distinct honor of partying with a real Irishman. Earlier in the week Maureen had emailed me with a dilemma. Her 20 year old Irish cousin was in town visiting and she had no idea what to do with him. He was too young to get into the bars and drink and he desperately wanted to go out and have a good time, but what kind of good time can a 20 year old have in America?
Well it turns out that D.C.'s biggest brit pop dance party a.k.a. Mousetrap was this Saturday, and it's 18 and up. It's also at the Black Cat which is a hip D.C. venue, so that our Irish visitor could get a taste of the night life in the city and hit on some hot mamas. I invited them both to pre-game at our friend's house as she was having a bbq, I was also hoping that I could get some other people to agree to go out with us, because I am not the club type and wasn't sure if we could show this kid a good time without having other funner people there. Turns out Maureen's cousin is very outgoing, and I needn't have worried.
The night was set to be a disaster, all of the people that I had asked to join us flaked. The cab that I called to take us into the city was still a no-show after thirty minutes, and the night was slipping away from us. Finally I reluctantly agreed to drive despite my hatred for all things involving the streets of D.C. We had to circle around for parking for a good twenty minutes . . . by this time it's a few minutes past midnight and the club closes at 2. I should mention that the Irish guy is inordinately excited, and there is a lot of pressure for me to just park the damn car already because he's basically pissing himself to party in America. He'd been hanging out with older people his whole trip thus far.
Finally thankfully, amazingly I get the last spot in a pay lot two blocks from the club and it is only 12:10. Things are looking up! We go into what I believe to be the Black Cat, it looks like the club there are people milling outside I'm on a mission. I ask the lady for tickets, and she very apologetically informs me that the party is over. Fuck! Over? Who ends a dance party at 12? I tell everyone, and we are all supremely disappointed. It is Livvy, who I should say is already pretty well hammered, that insists we are not at the Black Cat, we are somewhere else. Skeptically I keep walking, sure that we are screwed and we have wasted time and Maureen's cousin will hate us. Until appearing on the horizon like my own personal mecca is The Black Cat. Ok so Livvy was right, yay! The cousin's face brightens considerably.
We enter and proceed to the Backstage bar, in search of revelers. What we find is more like a house party than "D.C.'s BIGGEST Brit Pop Dance Party" also, they weren't playing Brit Pop, they were playing Janis Joplin. "Oh no" I think. I had completely blown it! This sucked, and the cousin looked bored. The first thing he said to me was "There are gay people here!!!" Well, OK so the scene was not as expected, we decide to make the most of it, and at least help the cousin get blasted at an American bar, so we start slipping him shots. At about 12:30 Maureen has me accompany her on a smoke break, they've banned smoking in bars in D.C. so we had to go outside. From there we notice people heading upstairs, so Maureen tells me to ask what's upstairs.
"What's upstairs?" I ask the lady stamping hands.
"Oh . . um, like Brit pop 80's dance music?"
"Fuck me!"
I rush back to the bar, where Livvy is twirling around happily. I mentioned she was plowed right? The cousin is bopping his head, to Mr. Bigshot, and I tell them the good news. The party is upstairs! Off we go up the stairs, and I am hoping against hope that there are more than ten people up there, if there are maybe the cousin won't notice if any of them are gay. I throw open the big metal doors, to find a sea of people dancing merrily. I turn to see if the cousin is happy and he has thrown his hands up into the air and is hooting. I kid you not he is hooting.
The night is fairly predictable from then on. The cousin gets shit-faced with our help, he finds a group of people to be his new American friends. Livvy is still twirling around happily, still drunk. Maureen and I, stake our places in the crowd to watch our two drunk charges, I drove so I stayed sober, and Maureen could not in good conscience make me go it alone. Which is a good thing, because we overshot and ended feeding the cousin one two many shots. Maureen starts to get worried.
"He doesn't look happy." she tells me as she peers at him through the crowd.
"He's OK he's dancing."
"I think those guys are hitting him, I hope he isn't pissing them off."
"No, really that's dancing. They are moshing."
They were moshing too, to The Clash, London Calling. Who knew that song was so hardcore? Well Maureen can take no more, she is worried. The cousin looks like he will fall down any minute, probably directly onto one of his new American friends. Livvy has stubbed her toe badly, and barely noticed. She is still twirling happily and giggling. I had tried to cut her off earlier, but she just looked at me and said "That's silly Anna, I have my own money." The two sober ones are going to have to end the party. Thankfully it is now 1:46 and the club will not be open for very much longer. I am tasked with fighting my through the crowd to retrieve the cousin, for we must make him potty before we skedaddle. As I grab his arm to drag him out of his circle of friends I am met with a resounding cry of "AWWWW!!! Bye [cousin's name]!!"
This is when it gets interesting. The cousin is very agreeable, but he does not want to go. He kicks up a fuss without actually resisting. He is whining. He whines all the way to the bathroom. He whines all the way down the stairs. He whines all the way back to the car. This is us.
Cousin: "We were only there twenty minutes. Why do we have to go?" plaintive mewling and a thick Irish accent
Me: "We were there two hours, they are closing. We have to go"
Cousin: "I'm not stupid, it was only twenty minutes. Why are you making me leave?"
Me: "You are not stupid, but your sense of time is obviously fucked because you are wasted. We were there much longer than that."
Cousin: "Liar"
The car ride is not much different. Livvy tries to placate him, but she cannot understand a word he is saying. He whines the whole way home. When we get there, Maureen wants to leave immediately as it is quite late and she is worried that her cousin who is not used to cars is going to lose it on the drive home. The cousin does not want to leave, it turns out my roommates are home and they have brought friends with them. The cousin sees this and insists that he be allowed to stay. "They are all young here, I want to stay!" he cries. He is really really really drunk. It takes us about twenty minutes to herd him to the car, during this time he; punches a tree, wanders three feet away to sit sullenly on the curb, whines, says 'but why' a total of thirty times. He throws up on the way home.
Well all in all, I had a blast. I thought the cousin was hilarious, and super friendly. I also got a kick out of his accent, especially because Livvy couldn't understand it. The dance party was everything I ever wanted a club to be. I didn't have to dress up, and no one touched me inappropriately the entire time. They also played music that didn't have lyrics like 'back that ass up' and 'bitches they come and go'. Livvy was very amusing as she happily twirled away the entire night. Maureen seemed to have a good time, which was nice, and Livvy and I got to treat an out of towner to a nice night out. Obviously he loved it so much he didn't want to leave, so I would say that's a job well done on our part.